Missive frae ‘E Fairy Mound

Goamins, Big Yins!


‘Ere a picture o’ masel. Ahm a prime specimen, aright!

Me, Ahm whit ye’d nem a Wild Hairy Haggis (Haggis scotticus according to Big Yin zoologists), an indigenous beastie o’ the Scottish Hielans, Eileans, Lallans an’ a’ the ither lans o’ this bonnie wee country. We’re a fair fremmit race o’ beasties, us Haggises: thon Great Highland Haggis (Haggis scotticus gigas) has wan shank langer than th’ither, whaur thon Black Grampian Haggis (Haggis scotticus grampianensis) has ‘e opposite shank langer, rendering interbreeding amang the twa subspecies pernickitie tae say the least! Monie subpecies of oor wee tribe frae a’ ower Scotland.

So whit’s a wee Haggis lik masel dain on ‘iss Internet magink? Weel, things’ve been unco interesting ower here, in ‘e Knatchbull-Hugessen sense, ye ken.  Er a muckle haip o’ the auld rhetoric bandying aboot ‘e noo, an’ it kin get awfie daft. Yon big yins seem tae hiv aligned yersiels intae twa-three wee “clans” of sairts: ye’ve got yer Scottish Nationalists on ‘e wan haun, yer Unionists on ‘e ither haun, an’ yer Undecideds on yer lass haun. (Yon big yins have tree hauns, richt? Geez a haun, folks) Noo, Ahm jis a wee Highland Wild Hairy Haggis, and ah’d be laith to consider mysiel abune matters of Big Yin, but ah’d lik tae think ma wee tribe kin offer oor perspective on yer current political situation, such as ’tis. Affer a’, oor perspective is raither diffrent, on account o’ oor bein vera sma’.

So ere’s yer Nationalists. Ah hear an awfie muckle blether aboot Nationalists bein’ racialists – tho ah thought they had a rare time at ‘e Paralympics – an’ auld romantics pinin’ fer ah time tha’ neir was. “Thur hairt’s rowlin’ thur heid.” Monie Nationalists seem tae want an Independent Scotland, summin’ aboot a nation’s richt tae autonomy an’ sovreignty.

Then er’s yer Unionists. ‘Er affen accused o’ bein’ glaikit lubbarts cringin’ unner ‘er lairds an’ maisters doon at Westminster, an’ of perpetuating an obsolete an’ pernicious government system which should be dusht oot. Monie Unionists are fair keen tae keep Scotland in ‘e United Kingdom, jabberin’ aboot social an’ cultural unity in ‘e twa countries.

We Haggis dinnae ken onything aboot yer nations an’ countries an’ whatna: we’re a’ hyperevolved organisms wi’ a complex and nuanced social structure ayont yer notions o’ society, an’ cannae even reca’ the time when we waur. A’ e’ same, wir fair fond o’ ye Big Yins, e’en given yer propensity to de devoor us (agin, wur hyperevolved, an’ vera philosophical aboot it), so masel an’ mah tribe are fair keen on the Big Yins of oor shared hame.

Y’see, we Haggis kin unnerstaun both points o’ view: A’haggis values ‘er independence an’ self-actualisation, an’ prides ’emsiel on accoonting fir nae haggis an’ answerin’ tae naebodie. On th’ither haun, A’haggis also kens ‘e importance o’ ither fowk, e’en non-Haggis, an’ when push comes tae shove, e’ll a’ dae aaithing e’ can tae help oot thur fellah Haggis. Sae on eh base o’it, both Independence an’ Union hae thur appeal.

But we Haggis live in whit ye’d ca’ a “post-scarcity civilization”: we dinnae want fur food, shelter, resources, space, or ony ither ‘hing lik tha’. A’ ideas are accommodated an’ fended, naebody’s discriminated agin, aathings’ fair Utopian. We kin afford tae be baith indy an’ tegither, ye ken? Youse Big Yins arnae ‘er yet, an’ sadly yez’ve a lang way tae go: yez need tae fend yer oil, yer food, yer lan, an’ yer fowk frae ‘e Clegs.

Whits’e Cleg, ye ask? Clegs’re ‘ese wickit wee deils tha’ flee aboot ither beasties, pesturin’ um, an’ dive doon an’ nick a great snack oot yer flesh. Carnaptious, wearifu wee molifants, e’ lot e’ ’em.


Leukit ‘iss maukit wee malkie. Bet ye he’s keekin’ at yer big sonsie airm richt noo.

But dinnae misken: Clegs arnae jus those wee flees tha’ faize aboot yer heid. ‘Er far mair insidious, an’ monie’ve infiltrated e’en ‘e tap leils o’ government. Beaurocrats, chairmen, businessmen, ministers, lairds, hereditary peers. ‘Er aawhere, wee sleekit cowerin’ (but naw at a’ timorous) beasties, ‘er only care bein’ tae feast on ‘e flesh o’ yez aw. How ‘e get it differs: quangos, tax avoidance, brow-beating, rotten boroughs, cash fur access, cash fur peerage, cash fur influence. And jus lik ‘e wee clegs nick at a Hielan’ coo, these clgs nick at society. But at least wee clegs dinnae kill ‘er coos through thur bluid-wauchtin’ menselessness. An’ tha’s whit’s happenin’ the noo.

So whit d’ye dae? Scotland has a way oot, tae get awa’ frae ‘e Clegs, but that’d leave England, Wales an’ Northern Ireland in ‘e lurch: shouldnae we stick wi’ oor freens, work taegither tae see aff the fients? Ah, but ‘e Clegs’re insidious indeed, fur ‘ev ensured tha’ ‘er in charge o’ e’ opposition. But naw in Scotland.

It is ‘e opinion o’ the Wild Hairy Haggis tha’ Independence isnae jus’ Scotland’s best chance tae get rid o’ ‘e Clegs, but Wales, Northern Ireland, and England’s. If Scotland kin show tha’ ‘er is an alternative, tha’ it disnae have tae be this way, ‘en mebbe oor neighbours kin dae ‘e same. Youse Scots an’ English’ve been at loggerheids fur centuries, millennia even, but ‘e mad ‘hing is tha’ Scots an’ English arenae each ither’s enemies at a’. It’s ‘e Clegs: it’s awies ‘e Clegs.

‘Ers a pernicious narrative gaun aboot tha’ the English subsidise ‘e Scots. It’s a big whud: if onything, ‘e Scots subsidise ‘e rest ‘o ‘e UK. But dinnae forget wha’s ‘e true parasites. Consider: an effective parasite is sleekit. It disnae mak itsiel kent tae its host. But a real smoukit parasite’ll geg its host intae thinkin’ summon else is ‘e parasite. Immigrants, asylum seekers, ‘e poor, ‘e disabled, ‘e workin’ class, ‘e foreigners, ‘e minorities. An a gowk host’ll howp it true, a’ while ‘e Cleg’s sloukin’ tae its black hairt’s content. It’s naw ‘e Nationalists, naw ‘e Unionists, naw ‘e Poles ur Pakistanis ur Italians ur any ither proud, honest member o’ society – its’ ‘e Clegs.

It kin get fair dreich hearin’ a’ ‘e myths, misrepresentations, an ootricht lies spewin’ frae ‘e Clegs’ maws, specially when ye ken ‘er a’ mince. Ur maist vulnerable ur diein’, sufferin’, an’ miserable while walthie, spylt pyots line thur poakets. ‘E country’s goan tae Putney oan a pig while eejit wee nyaffs snirt an’ sneiter in the Hoose o’ Unelected, Priveleged Lairds, imagining ’emsiels Great Preses an’ Trokers. ‘E vera lan’s bein’ reft tae bits, an’ ‘e mak it worse.

But youse kin change it. Ah prefer tae kep tae a mair pawkie ootlook, so Ah’ll leave ‘e stark criticism tae Wings Over Scotland, Bella Caledonia, National Collective, newsnetscotland, Scot Goes Pop!, Subrosa, Iain Macwhirter, Lallands Peat Worrier, Munguin’s Republic, Peter A. Bell, Moridura, Jock Tamson’s Bairn, A Burdz Eye View, Frankly Independent, and a’ the rest. Remember the Referendum 2014, and fur mair info aboot ‘e positive side o’ independence, hae a keek ower at Yes Declaration. An’ if it gets a’ tae much fae yez, hae a gander at BBC Scotlandshire and Tarff Advertiser.September 18th 2014, jus unner 500 as o’ this writin’. We a’ live in interesting times.


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